Hey Party People! I am working on a post to tell you all about how I’m adjusting to life without Caddie. I can’t really stare at a screen too long, and there’s a lot to say in that arena so it is taking a minute or two. In the meantime, I have another installment in my series that is peppered thoughout this blog, “Whar Nobody Tell You About Grief.” MollyROCK is about radical and open conversation. Our society misses the mark on this when it comes to describing profound grief. So without further adieu…..
The third thing that nobody tells you about grief is that you will probably have dreams about your dead sister and it might completely knock the wind out of you, or it might make you feel like you were in the audience at Oprah’s Favorite Things show.
I remember when I had my first dream about her. It was within six months of her dying. She and I were walking in a stadium. We went to our seats, I looked at her and said, “Why couldn’t you have just come and told us that you were okay?” She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and in true Molly fashion said, “What do you think I’m doing now, stupid?” I woke up euphoric! I had seen my sister. If Oprah had been there, she would have been screaming and pointing, “And you saw your sister, you saw your sister! Everybody sees their sister!!!”
Lasf night, I saw the movie Trainwreck. It was hilarious and special to see my biography on the big screen…. I kid. But, there were several relatable things in themovie. Much of the movie is about the main character and her sister. It exacerbated the intense longing I’ve had for my sister lately. I always miss her, but at times there are different things that I miss. Sometimes, I miss having someone who would always do what I told her to. Sometimes I miss texting her about how weird our parents and brother are. Lately though, I’ve just missed having a sister. I want to be at the beach with her. I wanted her to snuggle with me after surgery and giggle when I ran into walls. I miss everything that sisters have. I love my brother, but it’s not fair to give a girl a sister and then snatch her away!
Maybe the movie is why I dreamed of her last night, maybe it was that I needed something to distract me from Mary Nell’s pug snores. Whatever the reason, for however long I was in REM sleep, I had the sister thing I’ve been yearning for. In my dream, we had the independently bought the same dress (one I actually bought this summer) and we were arguing about who got to wear it to a party. Beautiful, normal, wonderful, sister things!
Instead of waking up happy, I woke up, and tried to text her. In my dream, I remember thinking, “Oh mh gosh, the hell is over! She’s back! I can breathe!” When I realized that I was still in my bed in Roswell, and the reality that existed when I laid my head down last night was still in tact, I forgot how to breathe again. Just like a sister to tease you with a little something and run away! All day, I’ve been sad and weepy. I’ve binge watched the Kardashians all day long, cussing at them for having each other and all of those purses!
I’ve dreamt about her in between the first dream and the most recent. Each time, I woke feeling different emotions, ranging from bliss to today’s devastation. If you have dreamt about your loved one and spent the next day in your pajamas, crying, binge watching reality shows, and cussing at the television…. you aren’t crazy. (I mean, maybe a little.) If dreaming about them made you giddy for days, you aren’t on too many meds. (Unless you also see them when you are awake, then you might want to share those meds with friends and neighbors.) I think that they come to us in our dreams when we need them or they need us. It is powerful, it is beautiful, it heals you, it rips you in two, but it is a gift.
Kewp MollyROCK happening in your waking hours, your dreams, and everything in between.
More than meat loves salt,